Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Monica, continuing our series of pregnancy loss stories. If you have experienced pregnancy loss, and are looking for support, you are invited to join our loving community where you will find the support you need to get through this difficult time.
Ten days. That’s all we had to love and then lose our little one. We weren’t charting, we 
weren’t trying, but there was NO WAY I could be pregnant, right??!? After 2 weeks of unexplained soreness in my breasts and growth like I was a pubescent teenager again, I finally bought a home pregnancy test. The second I saw that second pink line I burst into a mad frenzy of happy tears and then some tears of sheer terror. As soon as my husband came home he could see it in my eyes. He held me, told me we were going to be fine.
We spent the next week planning, and dreaming, and wrapping our minds around the idea of being parents. What a heavy responsibility? How would we pay for his or her college? Would I be able to stay home? Would my husband’s job allow him to make all his or her little league games and dance recitals? What about those margaritas I had last week? What about the spotting I saw last week? What are the statistics on miscarriage? What if we lose the baby?
And that was all before I fell asleep that first day.
Monica and her hubby
We made an appointment with a midwife for the Wednesday of the next week. She answered all of our questions and her professionalism eased all of my husband’s fears about natural birth. I had experience intermittent spotting, which I read was normal, but wanted to ask more about it. She told us that spotting was normal, but that in conjunction with cramps, could be a sign of miscarriage. We would know if I was having a miscarriage. She said very frankly that it would be very painful and there would be a lot of blood.
That night, my husband and I went to a Lindy Hop dance lesson. Just about the time he always gets dizzy from the pass throughs, I felt a rush as if my period had just started. I excused myself and ran to the bathroom. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that was exactly what happened. My gut sank. I knew something was wrong. Thursday I had no spotting. I hoped my gut was wrong.
Early Friday morning we flew to Denver to visit my dad. When my husband couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and went for a nap, my dad began showing me pictures on his phone. I took the opportunity and handed him my phone with a picture of the home pregnancy test pulled up. “What’s that? Does that say pregnant?” he said. I just nodded like a fool and my dad became a sobbing mess. Along with my step-mom, we discussed all the excitement over brunch.
That night we went to a steakhouse downtown to celebrate. I was feeling great, my belly felt big, like there was a baby in there. After dinner I snuck to the bathroom to relieve my pregnant-pee-all-the-time bladder before walking around downtown to show my hubby the sights. More blood. Heart sank. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.
I woke up at 3 am and couldn’t have any more positive thoughts. Blood rushed from me as I set on the toilet. I woke up my husband and we immediately started googling and waiting for it to be late enough in the early morning hours to call my mom (an RN) or the midwife. My husband woke up my step-mom at 6:45 and asked her to go buy me some pads.
I was swept up in a whirl wind of everyone’s fears. My mom, my stepmom, and my cousin all said I should get to a doctor. I knew what was happening. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me, but the “what if’s” of placenta previa or an etopic pregnancy got me to cave. We were blessed with an amazing urgent care staff that found us every shortcut and spoke so gently and empathically to us.
We spent the next few days in tears. I spent random moments of the following weeks in tears. I cried and ate a giant bag of jelly beans about five months later when I saw a picture from a mutual friend who was as far along as we “would have been.”
Here we are, 6 months later, after using FAM to avoid for 5 cycles and to conceive in just 1 cycle, and we’re pregnant. All the same dreams, hopes and fears. Prayer is the only thing 
we have right now and we’ll hold on to it tightly, because we sure do want to meet this little one.